Work-Life Balance

I work because I have to. Certainly not beacuse I want to, or need to.

I don't want to spend 8 hrs of my life glued to a desk. I don't want to doze off intermittenly, dreaming I could do what I like to do instead. Then again, what do I like to do? Roam Orchard Road? Drive up and down the CTE? Veg out in front of the TV? Lay on the beach? At the moment, none of the above.

I don't need to work, coz seems like everything I do is redundent. I mean, they have their own gameplan, and whatever I do can easily be done by them. I add no value whatsoever. What can I contribute?

Confidence is way down low. Satisfaction is non-existent. Why do I bother to wake up @ 7 every morning to get stuck in the jam and then feel empty every single moment?

Well, I have to work. To put it morosely, I have to work so that I could pay for my previous sins. Bills have to be paid. Loans waiting forever to be retired. Petrol to be purchased. Wants to be fulfilled and needs to be satisfied.

On a positive side, I am paid for doing nothing. Swell deal, in all honesty. But in the meantime, my grey matter's turning white, and this inertia, or lack of it, has stalled my drive.

Getting back in touch with old classmates have seriously dented my self-belief even further. To see the jokers I grew up and got into trouble with being "successful" in their own lifes is in stark contrast to my own inadequacies. Sure, they have their own sorrows and problems, but lets see. A couple are in IT sales, and living in bungalows. Another is a contractor, and is at peace with his life. Yet another is in business, trading with diamonds, and has finally found peace within himself. Then yet another group, also doing pretty well. A cafe owner thinking of expanding his "empire" overseas, a hospitality guy willing to endure long hours just so that he doens't expose himself to change, and a couple that just returned from Melbourne. Feeling very happy and at peace.

I guess from these 2 groups, they are all more or less happy. And I look within myself. I feel emotion-less. I am neither happy nor sad. Actually, come to think of it, I feel detached from life, from all that's happening around me.

I won't say I am not successful, nor would I say I am a bum. But, I feel I am capable of more, and I should deserve better. I am, in short, I am so uncontented I am unable to derive happiness. I lament the lack of opportunity, and am at a lose how to seek it. I think I know who I am, but what my cathecism teacher said seems to be prophetic words.... "one day you will loose your way and until you find Him, and truly belief in Him , and love Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you will not live."

Oh woe to you Brother John!

Same old Difference

Time flies. In a blink of many eyelids, 2 years have since passed. Babies were made, babies lost. Its a whole new world for some, and its a ever-changing world for others.
Let's see, to recap, the twins were brought up well. If I recall, they received rave reviews. Good experience in brining them up, and now I bask in their glory. Immense satisfaction and all bad things forgotten. Last I heard, one of the twins is limping away, at least people are still caring for the old and watching out for the yound, or so I hear. And the other, well, growth has been in spurts, one more issue saw the light of day, and nothing further heard. A new surrogate parent, a mum this time, has been found, but oh well, parents are not made equal, and not all have the same passion, let alone compassion.
As for me, I have seen travelled the road less walked. Joined a German company, and interacted with real angmohs. I thrived in that environment. All is needed is sincerity, and good communication. All the racist cross that some carry, is a load of BS. They are no different from us Asians, or Chinese. They have their ethics, they have their expectations, they have their own little nuances, flaws and dislikes.
Well, literally travelled the world. Went to Germany, LA, China a couple of times. All in the space of a year. Not bad I must say. But the environment was none too conducive, too volatile. People getting sacked, peolple leaving, people asked to leave. Too stressful for anyone's liking. So it was a good 8 months. Accomplished much, changed mindset, and yeap, left on a high. Insulated myself from the loose toungues as much as I could, which helped to a certain extent. But at the end of the day, too tiring.
Joined this present company. Oh man! Thought my 8 years in that aquarium was bad, and simply the ultimate, right? Nope! How wrong I was. Directors here are treated like omni-potent beings. Senior management expect to be treated like royalty. Man. With 60 years of baggage and history, the systems are not only set in stone, its genetically engineered to be resilient. No amount of perserverance or coaxing would be able to move things forward. Yet, they claim to want to change, and to move with the times. From the outside, its a great way to fly. But looking out, the sky's simply too high.
Am waiting for my next break. Meanwhile, having been feeling even more alone, simply feeling sorry for myself has been so tiring. Meanwhile, things around me seems to be moving forward. Hostile takeover... what can beat that? Imagine what I could have contributed in that environment! But then again, would I have survived till then? Maybe yes, maybe no. But no point crying over spilt milk. On a positive note, I would not have chalked up enough Kris Flyer points to have a free return ticket to HK.
Sigh. Pray tell! Wherefore is my strength? What should I do? Set up my char kway teow stall? Or my chicken rice stall? With all my years of experience, brand building, marcom, corpcom, AnP, I should have no problems in succeeding in whatever I set out to do right? Does mine have to be the best tasting organic kway teow? Perhaps, have the smoothest chicken thigh in town? Sigh. Where's my guts! Where's my gumption? Where's my balls! Maybe, just maybe, setting up a mama-shop at my void deck may not seem to be such a bad idea eh. Plenty of potential customers, easily 400 families living in my cluster. The potential is immense! Maybe I should explore this, write a business plan whilst I bide my time here.
To be fair, this is not such a bad place, except that the focus is not in sycnch with my strengths. "Why, did you not know what your scope was?" some wise gal asked me. "Of course I knew, but what was said then is totally not what it is in reality." See... I joined up as a corp comm ass mgr. But my name card say, ass corp manager. The missing comm is critical evidence. See, corp does corp work, corp comm do comm work. One requires extreme details, the other requires creativity. Both are mostly the same, but the different skil sets cannot contrast more. The former takes care of the wishes of the omni-potent... yes sir yes sir, 3 bags full. Right on sir. The 3 bags are full. The later makes sure that the congregation understands what the omni-potent thinks is required.... yes sir yes sir, three bags full... they are so full of Sri-Lankan Crap! Understand? If still don't see the difference, then I suppose you will be the enlightened few who will have no pity for me. Sigh. Job rotation is good. Job rotation beefs you up, exposes you to new challenges. Well, not if you are serving the top guy, being rotated further away from the action. Its like the Prince of Darkness, suddenly assuming a shade of grey. Well, that is the case for the guy I am replacing A political wart he is. Always project himself as super PC, in actual fact taking no hostages, and collateral damage is meant to be. Worse is our boss, oops, his boss, who simply depends on him to fulfill her mere existence in this warped universe.
Oh well, I am a little pawn. To fight a good fight, one has to learn to choose the battles. I have chosen NOT to fight this battle. In a battle, there can only be one winner, and one loser. Usually, the loser ends up dead. Like Mr Sun Tzu says, a birdie must learn to quicly fly in the presence of french caps. Or be eaten alive. Aristotle also once said, a new birdie will surely loose one's way if flying alone. Being a new vulnerable birdie, I could achieve much, soar through space and time. But the moment the swell arrives, I will be blown off-course.
Yes, I have been blown off-course. But will this be so dis-orientating that I will forever fly in the wrong direction, or would it be a blessing in disguise, pointing me to the pot at the end of the rainbow? I guess time will tell, and only Heaven and God knows. I simply have to have faith to believe that this pilgrimage is meant to lead me to a preferred place.
Maybe, I should join the priesthood. But would this sinner be ever good enough to be a servant of the Almighty? I doubt I will pass muster when the push comes to a shove. Oh well, maybe injesting anto-rodent pellets would make things easier. Oh well. whatever will be, will be.
Bottom line is, I am lost. I need a new compass. I desperately need a sign.