At breaking point

I really cannot take it anymore. How? I mean, I know I got no status in the company, and that my tenure is about to be over, but I really think that there is so much to be accomplished. Brand identity is weak. Corporate communications is practically non-existent. Internet leaves much to be desired. I mean.... all my years of experience could be exploited to bring the company to the next level. Alas, they are more interested in corporate governance, kowtowing to the directors, prempting what could go wrong.

Sounds so familiar. Back in the previous company, it was the same case. Exuberant arrogance, thinking that their way is the only way, and thus is the only right way. They are so fearful of going the wrong way, they are practically binding their feet, and shooting it in the process. There is no need for discussion, coz there is always one smart alec who feels that by holding on the fort, the management, and CEO would thus be free from having to make a difficult choice.

I mean, such self deprecating approach to work can only mean one thing, there is no need to have a PR department. As long as you please the customer, and the customer is happy, what need is there for integrated marketing communications? What need is there to have fancy website? They are there only for the customers, and there are only THAT many out there. Why have a proper investor relation strategy? No need, because the parent company owns 81%, and others are so desperate to buy the stock, they are clamoring over each other to accumulate enough, so why bother!

Oh well, that is one reason why I cannot stay here for long. I think they know my ambitions, and they know I will not survive the road blocks. They are a bunch of decent chaps. Its not that I am no good, just that the fit is simply not quite there. That is why I need to go.

Another Week

I "survived" another week. What have I accomplished? What have I done? Well, pretty much nothing. I have no mandate to do what i was employed to do. Living on borrowed time is really quite painful. Knowing that there is much to do, but not being able to do anything is such a torture. The thought of throwing the letter now has crossed my mind, and the urge has been getting ever stronger by the day. But, I know I cannot be rash. I simply need the money.

Like my friend mentioned, given my experience, I should have no lack of offers. Well, in my current state of mind, I really dunno. I mean, I have amassed enough experience to confidently go forth and explore. But therein lies the problem. Confidence is so fragile, it can be easily shattered. Mine has been shattered since I moved into my current seat.

I guess I have moved from being in a position to effect change to a position where I have no room to even make suggestions. Its not like I am an egotistical maniac, just that the company now has a culture that simply shouts for change, but when change is proposed, there are too many possible conflicts that they would eventually revert to the status quo. And I am not even talking about change that would transform, but merely suggestions to make things move in a different manner, for the good of every one concerned. oh well, its not my fight to fight, and to quote my previous director's words, we must pick the fights, the correct fights.

There are 2 certainties now. I will be leaving. I will be leaving by the end of October. In the meantime, i will do my utmost to leave on a good note. I will contribute wherever I can, and leave my mark in this month or so before I do leave.

On borrowed time

Lately, life within this cubicle has been less meaninful. Somehow, I feel isolated and cut off from the outside world. There seems to be a virutal barrier that separates me from the fresh air and bright sunshine. But today, suddenly there is a breeze, a whiff of fresh air. Could it be that I its because I can blog again? Sites that were blocked for the past 2 weeks, were found to be ublocked today. Wow.

I realise that my time here @ Changi is now extremely limited. Heard they're interviewing my replacement these days. However, unlike the feeling of going ORD some 20+ years ago, I spend these remaining days with a heavy heart. What have I got myself into? How will I account for these three months? I am such an utter failure. The words of my previous COO rings loudly... "have you considered carefully? Are you sure its a better place?" In hindsight, I should've reconsidered, taken his advise. But hindsight is such a cruel animal. I guess coming here might really have been a mistake, but staying put there.... would have been another dramatic ride too.

Fact of the matter is, I can lament all I want, and no one would empathise. Well, they could sympathise. Deep down, I guess what really matters is not what I think, but how one is able to shape others' perception, that is the key to success. And therein lies my failure.

I guess in hindsight, I should've been less amiable. I came in here wanting to be a "nice" guy, respecting how things work, and playing by their rule book. So much so that I lost myself, and lost the way as well. In pandering to their perception, I gave them more chance to expect less from me. I thought I should take it easy, and bide my time to win them over. Never did I expect them to make such swift judgement and to throw the dice that fast. Well, read my earlier post.... I guss I should have been more of a bastard when I arrived.

Oh well, I will bring with me a whole new experience. My lesson learnt is to that I need to take charge of my life. I have taken the "anything" or "whatever" approach all my life. Will I be able to adapt to being less accomodating? I guess I could. I once was a tyrannt. I compensated for that Flaw by being a smiling buddah... Yes Sir, Yes Sir, 3 bags full... Are they full enough for you sir? I guess I have since over compensated, and its time to re-evaluate my value systems once more. I guess other smiling buddahs won't have lost their way like I have, I just have to find that missing link.

Only 8 months of 2007 has passed us by, and I can safely say this has been a watershed year, for me at least. I have done things I will forever be proud of. There are also other things that I will regret for the rest of my life. The morale of the story, for my life for 9M 2007 would be.... decisions I made, choices I took, will affect me in more ways than 1. There can never be a Right Choice, nor will there ever be a Wrong Choice. There can only be consequences and repercussions that would at times force your hand, and give you no Choice later.

I have no more choice, but to leave. I have no other choice but live with the choices I have made. I have no choice but to accept fate, whaterever it decides to throw at me. Hit me with your best shot Life! This Smiling Buddah here will decide how to react when that time comes again.