Lost
Delivering twins is really not a easy task. The painful labour has finally given way to 2 babies. First the excitment and euphoria. The adrenalin pumps and you are oblivious to the pain.
Now that we are actually working on it, different emotions start to creep in. Invisible road blocks appear from nowhere, some perceived, others are not. You can never prepare yourself adequately... self doubts, feeling of despair, the weight on your shoulders can be pretty daunting.
Suddenly, the floodgates are reopened, and past experiences come pouring in. Never mind that, this will eventually give way when TLC or a measure of light appears. What is most daunting is living up to expectations --- both mine and the others' --- that feeling is immense, and can never be easily overcome in this culture. Will I be able to lead the team, to work effectively with them, let alone motivating them? Will I eventually withdraw back into my hardened shell, and meekly surrender? Or will I be able to overcome all the criticisms and their associated burdens?
These babies, they are pretty high profile. Like all other high profile babies, would be subject to massive criticisms. Will the babies be allowed to develop naturally, or would they be moulded into something how others think or feel the babies should be? Or worse! Be perverted with their sheer ignorance or cowardice?
I feel so alone.
How far can I protect the integrity of the babies, to stamp my vision or authority? Look, its not so much my ego that needs to be soothed. The moment I say "I", it is generally assumed that its because of my vested interest, or thatI am a egotistical maniac, craving incessantly for prestige, power and fame. That is why I am doing all these.
Is that so? I don't feel that I have earned anything by my contributions. Have I ever been praised, promotted, giving a raise? Instead, I feel i have pawned my soul, dembased my passion, lost my reputation. I have only integrity left. Will I loose it too?
Heaven permitting, i shall be steadfast. I must be strong. I must let my leadership qualities shine brightly. For the good of the company. For the collective good of the people slogging away. I must not fail. Roadblocks will forever be present, and they shall be cleared, like all others have been.
Now that we are actually working on it, different emotions start to creep in. Invisible road blocks appear from nowhere, some perceived, others are not. You can never prepare yourself adequately... self doubts, feeling of despair, the weight on your shoulders can be pretty daunting.
Suddenly, the floodgates are reopened, and past experiences come pouring in. Never mind that, this will eventually give way when TLC or a measure of light appears. What is most daunting is living up to expectations --- both mine and the others' --- that feeling is immense, and can never be easily overcome in this culture. Will I be able to lead the team, to work effectively with them, let alone motivating them? Will I eventually withdraw back into my hardened shell, and meekly surrender? Or will I be able to overcome all the criticisms and their associated burdens?
These babies, they are pretty high profile. Like all other high profile babies, would be subject to massive criticisms. Will the babies be allowed to develop naturally, or would they be moulded into something how others think or feel the babies should be? Or worse! Be perverted with their sheer ignorance or cowardice?
I feel so alone.
How far can I protect the integrity of the babies, to stamp my vision or authority? Look, its not so much my ego that needs to be soothed. The moment I say "I", it is generally assumed that its because of my vested interest, or thatI am a egotistical maniac, craving incessantly for prestige, power and fame. That is why I am doing all these.
Is that so? I don't feel that I have earned anything by my contributions. Have I ever been praised, promotted, giving a raise? Instead, I feel i have pawned my soul, dembased my passion, lost my reputation. I have only integrity left. Will I loose it too?
Heaven permitting, i shall be steadfast. I must be strong. I must let my leadership qualities shine brightly. For the good of the company. For the collective good of the people slogging away. I must not fail. Roadblocks will forever be present, and they shall be cleared, like all others have been.
posted by Brother John at 10:29 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home